The Mountain Is You: What Is Self-Sabotage?

[Pesso]

Hey Square Readers, 

We hope you’ve started to dive into reading The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest! Last week we started with a baseline discussion on your own experiences with self sabotage. Today we’re starting with the basics of the book, finding out why and how self-sabotage manifests.

The first two chapters break down what self-sabotage is and where it comes from. The first step of overcoming it, is understanding it. It is not punishing ourselves, it comes from protecting ourselves and staying in a comfort zone. 

“Self-sabotage is what happens when we refuse to consciously meet our innermost needs, often because we do not believe we are capable of handling them… In reality, self-sabotage is simply the presence of an unconscious need that is being fulfilled by the self-sabotaging behavior.”

The author says that self-sabotage is your subconscious holding you back, and blocking you from living the life that you want. The author outlines the main reasons behind self-sabotage, which include: 

Coping mechanisms, irrational fears, unconscious negative associations, the unfamiliar, and limiting beliefs. 

“When we self-sabotage, it is often because we have a negative association between achieving the goal we aspire to and being the kind of person who has or does that thing.”

Recognizing the subtle signs of self-sabotage is important to start to work to overcome it. The author outlines many manifestations of what Self-Sabotage looks like: 

Resistance, hitting your upper limit, uprooting, perfectionism, limited emotional processing skills, justification, disorganization, attachment to what you don’t really want, judging others, pride, guilt of succeeding, fear of failing, downplaying, unhealthy habits, being “busy”, spending time with the wrong people, worrying about irrational fears.

In other words, it comes down to being in denial or unaware of what’s actually happening and what you want, not focusing on what you want and being okay and happy, feeling guilt around being happy, and otherwise not working towards what you really want. 

The author also explains the concepts of Core Commitments & Core Needs:

“Core commitments, which is essentially your primary objective or intention for your life … what you want more than anything else, and you often aren’t even aware of them. You can identify your core commitments by looking at the things that you struggle with most and the things you are most driven by… When you find the same root cause for everything, you’ve found a core commitment… Your core commitments are actually a cover-up for core needs. Your core need is the opposite of your core commitment. Your core need is also another way to identify your purpose… The less that you feed your core need, the “louder” your core commitment symptoms will be.”

Breaking out of these habits and the cycle of self-sabotage takes confronting the way we think, and healing from the traumas that caused them. This can be a difficult and extremely uncomfortable path, but it’s worth it for the change and happiness. 

“The greatest act of self-love is to no longer accept a life you are unhappy with… You’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward… All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Remaining attached to your old life is the first and final act of self-sabotage, and releasing it is what we must prepare for to truly be willing to see real change.”

The process of doing that involves massive self reflection, both overall and in the moment when you’re feeling those symptoms.

“Start asking the right questions:

- Why do I feel this way?

- What is this feeling trying to tell me about the action I am trying to take? 

- Is there something I need to learn here? 

- What do I need to do to honor my needs right now?

- Why do I want to take this action and change?”

“We are not held back in life because we are incapable of making change. We are held back because we don’t feel like making change, and so we don’t.”

Again, we’re going to keep getting deep here. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but it’s going to help and lead to positive change!

We’d love to hear your answer in the comments:

• Where does your self-sabotage come from, from the reasons below? Feel free to share examples in your business or personal life.
• Coping mechanisms, irrational fears, unconscious negative associations, the unfamiliar, and limiting beliefs. 
• What does your self-sabotage manifest as, from the list below? Feel free to share examples.
• Resistance, hitting your upper limit, uprooting, perfectionism, limited emotional processing skills, justification, disorganization, attachment to what you don’t really want, judging others, pride, guilt of succeeding, fear of failing, downplaying, unhealthy habits, being “busy”, spending time with the wrong people, worrying about irrational fears.
• What are your Core Commitments and Core Needs? What motivates and drives you towards the things you want, and what are the needs behind those?

Feel free to share any other thoughts you have about this book. We can’t wait to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Don’t forget to:

• View and Subscribe to all threads about this book
• RSVP to our Live Discussion

Happy reading,

Pesso

[CareyJo]

1.  I think all of them.  I just don't know yet which ones are the unconscious ones.  I have limiting beliefs about my ability to successfully run a second business at the same time as this one, so I use coping mechanisms and irrational fears to talk myself out of it.

2.  Fear of failing and being busy.  I'm afraid I'm too old to start and don't have the stamina to keep up and so I'm always too busy to make it happen and I make excuses.

3.  I haven't figured this out yet.

Since we were on vacay, the book came while we were gone and I just started reading the intro a couple of days ago.  In just those few pages alone I already SAW things and made realizations.  My hope is that it only gets better!

[Pesso]

Thanks for diving into all of this, @CareyJo !

I'm so glad that the book has been resonating and that you've already been getting some great realizations out of the first few pages! It gets realllll deep and I've learned so much.

That takes a whole lot of self reflection to pinpoint and recognize all of that, and the rest comes with more time. 

How do you feel about those limiting beliefs and that fear of failure? What helps push you through? 

[CareyJo]

Somehow I missed this one...

Now that I know I have limiting beliefs, it's like a challenge to get passed them and not let them control me.  I hate being controlled or told that I can't do something.  I'm not competitive by nature but I definitely don't want to let this win!

[Pesso]

I love this dedication to growth, @CareyJo !

[CareyJo]

Thanks!

[BrianaJo]

I haven't read the book yet. I'm in queue for it from the library. This one has quite the line, so I might not get a copy for a few months.

The enneagram is how I figured out a lot about myself. It has core needs and motivations. I'm a type 1 reformer which means my core motivation is basically perfectionism, being good, responsibility, moral living, following whatever rules I've deeded in my head as the 'right' way to be. I know it sounds bad, but the point is to learn these things about yourself so you can work on it. Not that you can change it, but to recognize when it's holding your back. 

For the self-sabo book topic, I mentioned earlier in another thread that I've not been doing the coffee videos (reels or whatever). I'll probably give that to my employees to do. Avoiding the task for myself which doesn't actually help me overcome the problem. But it's the same issue with my coffee podcast I've been putting off and that's something I can't put off onto my employees. I know it won't be perfect from the get-go. I know that the way I've envisioned it, even in the long run, won't be how it is in real life. It never will be, but I can't let that stop me from starting it. I need to try, I need to see where it goes, I need to see where the weaknesses are and work on it as it develops. But there's always that self-sabotage voice in the back of my head that says,  There's not enough time to make it like how you want it to be. There's not enough money to build the set. You'll run out of topics, your audience won't be there, you just won't be a good enough speaker that people will want to listen to, so don't even bother trying when there's so many other things to give your energy to. It won't be perfect, so don't even try.

I still really want to try though because it could be a great way to reuse content, post information, have a discussion, build a community. And if it truly flops, then at least I know that it was a flop instead of always wondering. Even a failure is still an experience of knowledge gained. 

[CareyJo]

I want to know why you think it never will be what you've envisioned.  I know you listed some things that you're believing from the voice in your head, but really, why can't it be?  If you know the voices are trying to sabotage you, then don't listen to them.  Easier said than done and singing to the choir here.  I know that we all need positive affirmations spoken to us, even if we have to speak them to ourselves, but I think that's a place to start.  I need to do the same thing.  I'm actually in the same place as you.  But I have learned so much in the last 10 years of my life about how difficult it is to retrain our brains and break the pathways that are literally created in our mind, to create new pathways with positive thinking.  I hear people say "I can't" or something else negative and I instantly say to them, "Stop saying that to yourself!  Your brain is listening!"  My mother was not a good woman and never treated me with love but every time I ever said "I can't" she instantly retorted with "I can't never did anything!"  And I've never forgotten it.  I hope you don't have to wait terribly long to get this book and I hope you don't talk yourself out of starting the podcast like I need to not talk myself out of moving forward.  Real life videos are what people want to see, not perfectionism.  And if the podcast is vocal only until you really get used to it, that's okay.  I am the same personality as you and I struggle with all the things you listed about yourself.  I've been a work in progress for a loooooong time.  You got this!!! 🙂

[BrianaJo]

I said it won't be like how I envisioned it because that's just the nature of reality. Nothing ever is exactly perfect. I definitely strive for it, but at some point I can't let it overrun my whole life so at that point I just remember 'wabi sabi' the Japanese phrase basically meaning the beauty is in the imperfections. And thanks, you got this too! 😊

[CareyJo]

Great to hear that!  And thanks!

[Pesso]

These are such great points from both of you, @CareyJo & @BrianaJo -- nothing will ever be as we imagine it, and that's not a reason to not-try, but in fact a reason to quiet the voice and go for it! Something real is better than an imaginary idea. Thanks for this!

[Pesso]

Thanks for sharing, @BrianaJo ! Hopefully the book comes through soon -- 

So interesting about the enneagram -- I'm glad that it was helpful for you and helped with some self-realization, and to guide you in recognizing where you can grow.

That's a really powerful realization that it won't be perfect and may not turn out to be exactly how you imagined it -- and that's ok! Huge for a perfectionist to come to terms to! There may always be that voice in the back of your head that tells you it won't be good enough and won't work -- but pushing past that fear of failure is a massive milestone. It will be great no matter how it turns out, and it's worth the experiment and test to see what happens! That's a big thing I've learned recently from @LeahK -- call it an experiment or a soft launch, and don't necessarily commit to it being a forever thing, but try it and see how it works!

Rooting for you and thanks again for sharing-

[CareyJo]

I think it's irrational fears, the unfamiliar and limiting beliefs.  Example:  I'm afraid to start my event business because I'm pushing 60 and I'm not as physically able now as I was at 45 when I wanted to do this.  I don't have a staff.  I cannot do it alone.  I cannot afford to hire people.  I'm not wanting to give up all my weekends.  I'm afraid if I don't sacrifice a lot, I won't be successful.  These are quite literally the conversations I've had with myself lately.  I was excited to learn from her that we actually have a 'happiness limit' and that our brain won't allow us to pass it.  I was happy because I realized that I need to revisit these conversations and come up with some alternatives to these problems and force my brain to go passed those limits.  Just the idea that I can do that was 😲😲😲

Resistance and fear of failing.  I definitely need to learn some emotional processing skills but I don't think that's the source of the problem.

I haven't identified my needs yet.  I've started making notes, as I like to do but I need to go back through the first 3 chapters, make more notes and highlight stuff to get my thoughts in order.

[Pesso]

Loving the deep self awareness and examples here, @CareyJo -- thanks as always for sharing!

I think limiting beliefs like that are the hardest thing to overcome, because they could be based on a tiny grain of truth or realistic-worry that the brain just runs with and over-exaggerates. You're doing so well in working to push through that fear, come up with good alternatives, and work through those limits. 

Definitely keep us updated as you work through that and figure out your needs. So excited for all the growth!