The Mountain Is You: From Self-Sabotage to Self-Mastery

[Pesso]

Hey Square Readers,

We’re coming to the end of The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest, and so far we’ve talked about why and how self-sabotage happens, how to identify your emotional triggers, building emotional intelligence, as well as releasing the past and building a new future.

Now let’s dive into the last chapter of the book, wrapping everything up, and shifting from Self-Sabotage to Self-Mastery.

Being in control of your emotions is a big marker of emotional intelligence and self-mastery. But sometimes it can feel like a fine line between controlling and suppressing your emotions. The author lays out the differences:

“Emotional suppression is a regulation strategy that people use when they do not have adequate coping mechanisms for their feelings… Recognize those emotions but choose how [to] respond to them… Suppressing is unconscious; controlling is conscious… When you are suppressing your emotions, you don’t know how you feel and your behavior seems out of control. When you’re controlling your emotions, you do know how you feel, and your behavior seems within your control… Emotions are temporary, but behaviors are permanent. You are always responsible for how you choose to act.”

The author talks through the concept of inner peace, and how attaining it can lead to healing and true lasting happiness. 

“Inner peace is the state of being connected to the deep internal knowing that everything is okay and always will be… the understanding that no matter what is happening around you, there is a place of total knowing and calmness within you… When your goal is happiness, you will always find just behind it a lingering sense of unhappiness… This is the quintessential sign of someone who has not yet found their inner peace: They are searching, often frantically, for a sense of satisfaction, belonging, or worthiness outside of themselves… The reality is that inner peace is the true happiness, and everything else is just a false means of trying to convince yourself that you are ‘okay.’”

Finding that inner peace can be a challenge, but the author shares a strategy to get there:

“Another really amazing way to find your inner peace is to constantly remind yourself that your worries are a fabrication of your mind’s need to identify potential threats for survival, and true happiness is being here in the moment. If that’s hard to believe, make a list of the following: 

– Everything you have intensely worried about in your life. Go back as many years as you can, and be as detailed as you can. 

– Every difficult situation you swore you would never get through or never get over. 

– Every time you have genuinely felt happy and at peace.”

The Author lays out the following steps for building mental strength: plan in order to fix problems and stop worrying, realize that no one is thinking about you as much as you are so stop being self-conscious, come to terms with not knowing everything and hire out or learn from others, stop thinking in false dichotomies and psychic thinking, take responsibility for the outcomes within your control, work to process your emotions, learn from and let go of the past and focus on moving forward, talk through what you’re going through, and take your time to figure things out, recognize and act on your triggers and discomforts.

“Mental strength is not a fixed trait. It’s not something we inherently have or don’t… In fact, it is often people who are in the most difficult circumstances that are forced to develop the highest degrees of mental strength. Being mentally strong is a process, and it is a practice.”

All of this comes down to getting to a point where you can deeply enjoy your life. The author goes into detail of many ways to truly enjoy your life: Stop trying to be happy and process the other feelings, live more in the present moment, stop trying to prove yourself to others, embrace the little joys, nurture your positive relationships, keep trying and learning new things, see challenges as growth opportunities, be intentional with what you give your energy to, schedule time to unwind doing nothing and to play and have fun. 

“When you’re in a place of trauma and pain, you can’t try to force yourself to be happy. First, you have to step back into neutral. When you’re struggling and you try to make yourself feel good, you are actually intensifying the polarity of your feelings. You are shoving the “bad” feeling down in place of trying to feel something different.”

All of this work throughout the book is to get to the point of becoming a master of yourself. 

“To become a master of oneself is first to take radical and complete responsibility for your life. This includes even that which is beyond your control. A true master knows that it is not what happens, but the way one responds, that determines the outcome… Mastery is to realize that we are equipped with the exact traits we need to overcome the mountains before us, and in fact, doing so is the ultimate calling of our lives. We are not only capable; we are destined.”

The author wraps up the book connecting back to the metaphor of the mountain you’re climbing being growing and gaining control of your mind, your emotions, your future, and yourself.

“When you look back on your life, you won’t remember the hardships. You’ll see them then as pivot points, growth opportunities, the days of awakening right before everything changed…. More than anything, you will be overwhelmingly grateful for the pain that led you to begin your journey, because really, it wasn’t trying to hurt you as much as it was trying to show you that something was wrong. That something was the risk of your potential remaining untapped, your life spent with the wrong people, doing the wrong things, and wondering why you never felt quite right… One day, the mountain that was in front of you will be so far behind you, it will barely be visible in the distance. But who you become in learning to climb it? That will stay with you forever. That is the point of the mountain.”

We’d love to hear your answer in the comments:

• What are situations where you’ve suppressed your emotions and when you’ve controlled your emotions?
• What is holding you back from inner peace and mental strength? Which strategies resonate with you to overcome this and get there? 

Feel free to share any other thoughts you have about this book. We can’t wait to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Don’t forget to:

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Happy reading,

Pesso

[CareyJo]

I think we're all guilty of suppressing our emotions at times - like when we either are so caught off guard that we don't know what to say in the moment, or when we're up against a situation that we don't have control of and feel that speaking how we feel would either not be beneficial or would be out right detrimental.  I think a good example of this would be when a rude and intimidating client is intentionally trying to undermine us and get what they want.  They know how to manipulate and get us upset so we just choose to say nothing, when we'd rather tell them off.  I'm sure we've all been in personal situations like this with friends or family as well.  I think the line between suppression and control (with lack of emotional intelligence) is when we feel intimidated and don't know how to respond to a person like that.  Those are usually the situations where later we suddenly go "I should have said __________!"  When we know what to say and choose not to say it, that's control.

There are a couple of things from this book that I don't agree with.  From a standpoint of faith, I don't believe that we can create our future selves in our minds and I also don't believe that we're solely responsible for our thought processes, whether conscious or unconscious.  I have spent a lot of time in the last decade focusing on my thought patterns - how to think more positively, how to not create more negative neuropathways in my brain, how to break the ones I have and overcome the projected thoughts I have.  In the book, she would refer to those projected thoughts as psychic thinking, where we're imagining something as if it had already happened, playing out the scenarios in our minds.  My faith tells me that my thoughts are not all my own.  I believe that the thing that keeps us from inner peace is not taking hold of those external thoughts and banishing them and getting a rein on how we mentally live our lives.  It is truly mind-boggling to think that our minds actually control us, that we live by our sub-conscious and don't even know it.  I am making valiant efforts to stop that from happening by speaking directly to my mind, to tell it that I am in control of me, not it and that I will not be its subject.  This process breaks those negative neuropathways.  The idea that we're like robots to our minds and that it will make us do whatever it wants, is truly terrifying.  The volume of positive things we must verbally speak to retrain our brains is astronomical.  The number of positives must outweigh the negatives so greatly, that it's almost like we can't catch a break or say enough good.  These things must be spoken.  There is proof that the mind does not put into belief what is unspoken verbally.  This is why we are told not to speak ill of ourselves.  We must also do our best not to speak negatively in general about anything or anyone because our minds cement that information.

I choose to lean into my faith to focus on inner peace and know where that peace comes from.  I don't always win against my mind but I am improving.  I am more focused now that I've finished the book, in looking for signs in my daily life that I would not have looked for before.  We don't realize how small the traumas are that our minds hold on to.  They can be so silly and insignificant but they are real and our mind uses them.  Just as a personal example... when I was 19, I was shredding a bunch of papers at my dad's office and my finger got pulled into the shredder.  I have a shredder in my office and nearly every time I use it, I am reminded of that incident and attempt to be more careful.  Until yesterday.  When that memory came up, I instantly stopped and had a conversation with myself.  I realized that shredders are built differently today than they were 40 years ago.  I can no longer fit my finger inside the shredder opening, therefore, I cannot be harmed and holding on to the trauma is no longer necessary.  I no longer need protection from that trauma and I will no longer allow my mind to control my response to it.

She says in the book that we must go back to the incident and face that moment all over again to be released from it.  I think this was a good example of how we can do that physically, when we are  no longer in any real danger.  However, I think she's really off base to make that a generalized statement.  Some situations are either impossible to return to because they cannot humanly be recreated or they are simply too dangerous.  I think that this is where we do some work with a trained trauma therapist who helps us get there.  Like I said, I don't agree with everything she says...

Overall, there are a lot of good points in the book.  I learned more about mind control than what I previously knew and I will be more vigilant about trying to recognize these things on a conscious level.  I think it's up to us individually to decide what we believe, what we agree with and how they align and can help us move forward.

[Pesso]

I love the way you phrased that difference between suppression and control, @CareyJo  -- that's so true and something I didn't think of, and definitely helps to put it into perspective! 

That's totally fair and great points in where you and the author diverge! 

I think to a certain extent the author would agree that our thoughts are not always our own, and that we do have to do a lot of work in speaking to our mind, as you said, and to not have our thoughts control us. It really is scary how much our brains run on autopilot and on instinct, and how much effort it takes to control ourselves and lean into the positive. That's a great point about the power of speaking something aloud -- definitely something I'm going to work on, so thank you!

I'm so glad that you have your faith to lean into, and that this book can help with your focus and journey. It's so true that trauma can come from small and silly things that we don't necessarily realize. When I hear the word "trauma" I immediately think Capital-T Trauma, the big scary horrible things that nightmares and primetime news reports are made of -- but you're right, smaller traumas definitely count. 

I love that you were able to take that moment and transform and release that unnecessary fear response.

I do agree that a lot of this is so personal that there is absolutely not one way to do it and the same thing doesn't apply to everyone. However I do think that when she says we have to go back to the moment of trauma, she may not mean practically and tangibly and in totality. I think even mentally revisiting it counts, confronting in full when possible and safe, but even just recreating that moment in your mind, or confronting an imaginary version of the scenario or person who created that trauma. I completely agree that emphasizing working with mental health professionals to help guide the process is a great call and soooo important. 

Again, I'm so glad that you got so much out of the book, and seriously thank you so much as always for joining in here and sharing so much and really taking all of this to heart! We're all here to learn and improve and I love and appreciate how much you lean into this on a consistent basis. You make this book club the joyful collaborative place that it is. Thank you!

[CareyJo]

Thank you so much for the kind words.

I wish that she would have described it more when she talked about recreating the trauma that caused a fear.  Like you said, even mentally is still a recreation.  I just feel like it would have helped to understand where she was headed with that.

TBH - before I read this book, which happened to coincide with some family situations, I thought that all trauma was the capital T kind.  I had only just heard while reading the book that trauma comes in many forms and does not have to be the most severe scenarios that we can think of.  It can be something as small as cutting your finger in a shredder.  The book helped reinforce in that moment what I had just learned - that trauma can be small and seem insignificant to someone else yet be very real to you and your body.  It also helped me remember that in my mid 20's I had once made a list of all the traumas I had experienced in my life, up to that point, as part of going through Alanon.  I don't remember what they all were and I now want to rewrite the list (lost it in our house fire) and work on those things.  At the time they were all big T's in my world but realistically aren't.  Yet, they have played a very significant role in my history and need to be resolved.  I didn't understand trauma correctly then.  I defined trauma at that time as something bad that was a traumatic experience, not fully realizing what it means to feel trauma.  Also, as I aged, I put it out of my mind.  Not honestly sure if I repressed it or simply forgot and moved on.  I'm leaning towards the idea that I repressed it due to new things happening in my life, both good and bad, thanks to the book.  Thinking all of those years ago that I knew what trauma was and am just now learning new things about it just proves my theory that we learn something new everyday and we're never to old to learn.

Sharing is hard.  Thanks for making it a safe space.

[Pesso]

Absolutely a great point, @CareyJo -- I also wish there was more there in the book about that. Maybe in one of her others, or just another great opportunity for us all to keep doing the work.

I was totally the same way about thinking about trauma only in the Trauma sense, and that this book helped open the door to a more holistic sense of the word and the impacts. 

Wow that sounds like a reallly powerful exercise! I'm sorry that you ended up losing it and so much in the fire -- I think doing it again could be an intense and wonderful practice with all of your new experiences and knowledge and learnings. 

We're absolutely never too old to learn, and you should be incredibly proud of yourself for having that mentality and chasing learning opportunities! 

Of course, but it's all thanks to you and everyone else here. I'm just facilitating, y'all sharing so much and being so up for diving deep and supporting everyone else is really what makes this the safe space that it is. So thank you!

[DinaLRosenberg]

I don't know if I have ever talked about "witness posture" but it relates to the concept of inner peace in this chapter; or, at the least, another tool in the mental-health tool-box to get there.

I learned this concept from two teachers, Michael Singer who wrote The Untethered Soul (changed my life) and Dr. Michael Lennox (drlennoxdreams on social media). When I have self doubt, instead of "going down the rabbit hole" with the intrusive thought, I witness it.

For example: "that's Dina having delusional thoughts of worry that aren't really going to solve any immediate problems." I choose to not interact with them- but let them come, and eventually go.  Of course, we don't want to do this from a spiritual-bypassing place. Facing our fears and our traumas (big T or little t) is an important taking to do when we are ready and when we have the support we need. (Having grace with ourselves should be paramount).

I'm sure I mentioned before but when I'm at points of unknown (like I am this week- taking my daughter to college for the first time), I tell myself:

This time is hard because it is the first time.

All first times are hard and it is an appropriate emotional reaction to be sad, scared and to grieve a little.

I think about how this time next year I will have THIS year's experience under my belt, and it won't be so scary.

I tell myself I am certainly not alone in my feelings and tens of thousands of mothers have felt the same way- but I need to keep going.

Above all, it's important to be aware of our feelings, our thoughts and the emotions that arise so that we won't be ruled by them. If we are ruled by our emotions we are ultimately ruled by the people that trigger them.

[Pesso]

Thanks for sharing all of this and the great resources, @DinaLRosenberg !

I really love that concept of witnessing or observing the feelings, acknowledging them, understanding what and why -- but then also separating yourself from being them and having them rule us, and then letting them go. Definitely reminds me of your comment in the other thread of "feeling anxious" vs "having anxiety" -- love the distinctions! 

Such a great example too and a great guide to work through it. 

Thanks so much again!